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We have the technology... to improve toast
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Have you ever had a condiment sandwich?
If you answered yes, laughed out loud or sadly sighed and nodded then
you know the challenges of feeding yourself as a bachelor. For those lucky ones who have no idea what
that is, or have a suspicion it’s a euphemism for something (it isn’t), it is
exactly what it sounds like. A sandwich
made with only condiments because you have nothing else in the fridge. This is probably the part where I say “It’s really
not all that bad,” but uh… Well, it’s
about what you’d expect, I’ll leave it at that.
When people talk about bachelor cooking (Bachelor Chow: Now comes in flavors!) most people probably
think of Top Ramen, KRAFT Mac and Cheese, frozen pizzas… toast maybe. There’s a reason for that. Several, actually. Tight budgets, busy schedules, lack of
cooking skill or because it’s just me and I can get away with it. That last one may seem thrown in for comic
effect (it was) but it may very well be the most compelling.
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Grab a fork, before it spoils!
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Honestly though, it doesn’t have to be that way at all. With a decent knife, a cheap cutting board
and some creativity one can make vastly tastier and healthier dishes from
scratch such as ramen noodles, homemade macaroni and cheese, and french bread
pizza! Heck, you can even improve toast! For those of you arguing those are all the
same, you obviously never had my homemade mac and cheese with six different
types of cheese. They were all in the
crisper tray and needed to be eaten.
Some were individually wrapped cheese sticks.
The greatest challenges (for me, anyway) of bachelor cooking
would have to be portion sizes, grocery shopping, access to cutlery and lack of
ingredients. That seems vague, so let’s
break it down. 1) Portion Sizes: Cooking for one means one good sized batch of
spaghetti sauce and I’ll be having things that contain spaghetti sauce for the
next week. I have to eat it all before
it turns because on my budget, spoiled food is NOT an option. 2) Grocery Shopping: akin to challenge number 1, buying something
seemingly simple may mean tweaking some recipes in unholy ways just to eat it
all. Eating an entire loaf of bread by
yourself is surprisingly difficult. 3)
Cutlery: I find that I don’t have things
on hand that are really pretty important.
Life without a can opener might as well be lived in a cave. 4) Ingredients: When it gets close to payday I find myself
playing the ingredient game. It goes like
this: I want a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich. Bread: Check. Peanut Butter: Check. Jelly: Nope.
French toast then! Bread:
Check. Cinamon: Check. Powdered Sugar: Check. Maple Syrup: Check. Butter: Check. Eggs: …[Insert Irritated Sigh].
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Looks better than mine usually do!
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This game usually cycles through until I
actually find a recipe that I have everything I need or give up and enjoy a
nice condiment sandwich. There is a
devilishly sneaky third option though:
The Franken-Meal. This is where you
pick some sort of base (Bread, Rice or Pasta are my three go-to ones), figure
out a method of cooking (bake, fry, grill, or soup) and then start stitching
together random things you find in your fridge.
Note: Don’t boil a Franken-Meal unless it’s soup, they don’t turn out
well. It’s a good way to end up with
some bizarre looking meals that taste pretty good, like scrambled eggs, bacon
and sauteed snow peas served over rice or perhaps a nice spaghetti and meatball
sandwich with provolone cheese. The most
difficult part will be answering the question “What are you cooking?” Just do what I do and say you saw it on the
food channel and people assume you know what you’re doing. You could also yell “IT’S SCIENCE!” then
laugh maniacally and they assume you’re crazy.
You know, dealer’s choice.
The Amused Muse is a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none
bachelor, cook, writer, parent and full-time (and possibly slightly mad) night
owl who writes for Muse’s Mixed Nuts.
You can also find him on Google+ or hiding in the pantry waiting to
scare the pants off of someone.
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